The Butterfly Effect.....

 When something is eating you inside- it is important that you get it out, otherwise it will infect your spirit. Have you ever heard of the butterfly effect?  It's "Where a small change at one place in a deterministic nonlinear system can result in large differences to a later state."  I am a survior of life. it hasn't gotten me down (yet). I fight everyday with the demons of my past and the people. I could go into the "well, I was _______and my mother was so fuckin stupid when _______, and she didnt's ___________ and the they's_______________ and I wish_________________ and my father____________" But I don't. It would be frightfully impossible for me to proceed with my life if I allowed all of the demons of my past to affect me. The betrayals intimate and familiar. Oh how I want to name these motherfuckers and I have gone through rough patches of alcoholism and self depricating behaviors , highs and lows and thinking- (oh , the torment of constantly thinking!!!). I am forgiving myself- which hasnt been easy!!! The things I've said  bother me more than the things I have done. I am the one who has to pay for the consequences of my actions to myself and my children. I find that to perpetuate someones downfalls and to keep them reliving their past - kinda like a crab in a barell. Is putting a chain in the universe around someones spiritual neck. I refuse to be a part of that movement- alcoholic and all. If my children make one positive move regardless of their past fuck ups- I will cheer and tell the world of their accomplishments and waive their short- comings. That is something that was never done for me. My son makes music- WhatEVER HE DOES I AM PROUD OF. My daughter dances, I love that about her, I am there when I can. Nobody was ever at anything I've done - But guess what i did them and Im proud of me! Part of my drinking comes frome the notion that nobody ever really saw me. I've been used and misused  for whatever people could get from me. I guess the point is the truth about you. Tell your story and see how it helps others. Put into the world your story. Not other's. It is not yours to tell. After all we could experience "Another Kind of Tommorow"