REALIZATIONS....

WRITING IS WHAT I'VE DONE ALL MY LIFE. IT IS THE LIFE FORCE THAT DRIVES ME. I DIDN'T REALIZE THIS UNTIL I REBELLED AGAINST MYSELF. I STOPPED WRITING FOR SOME TIME BECAUSE IT MADE ME UNCOMFORTABLE TO SEE MY REALITY, MY PAIN, FEARS AND TRUTHS. IT WASN'T UNTIL ,I STARTED DRINKING AND KEEPING MY THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS CAGED DID I UNDERSTAND THAT WRITING IS NOT A CHOICE FOR ME, IT'S MY CALLING. THE THING I CANT GET AWAY FROM.

Everything Has An Experiation Date...smh.

My neighbor came over for our morning chit chat, coffee and complaints. We've been friends for now 12 years. When she moved in the building there were alot of things we had in common with each other. She had 3 children; as did I. She had a husband ; as did I. Later on we realized we were being cheated on ( at different times- but me first) - and our families changed. Drinking got heavier ( for us both), The children got older and our families changed. The men were gone and even some of the kids, but the point is, it all changed- drastically....Soooo, on this day while we chatted, I happen to look at the long farm -style dining table in my periphial and have an epiphany... There once was a purpose for that table. What the fuck do I ( because there once was 5 and now there are 2) and my daughter need that table for? All we do is put shit on it then complain when one of us has to clean it? Shit, we don't eat at it We go out more now. We eat in the living room (when we're at home at the same time) . Our lives are completely different. We aren't the same family anymore; it's just us. What the hell do we need that table for? As soon as I get paid it's gone. We will get a new 3 seated, bar-stool , high dinette set. No more looking at reminders of what was. It's a new day!

9/8/11

Some days are easier than others. Today was not one of them. He took my baby away from me. I don't want to drink but i feel like I need to. To clear the demons that are swarming my thoughts.My child is being alienated from me and it is not okay!!! I've been down on myself since the divorce. Shit since the marriage!!! I didn't stand a chance. I was preyed upon, raped (in more ways than one) and misused. I know that had I not merged myself with him , I would be in a better place.

But God makes no mistakes.He knows exactly where he wanted you to be placed

(-Stevie Wonder).