Theme song #2....

The Butterfly Effect.....

 When something is eating you inside- it is important that you get it out, otherwise it will infect your spirit. Have you ever heard of the butterfly effect?  It's "Where a small change at one place in a deterministic nonlinear system can result in large differences to a later state."  I am a survior of life. it hasn't gotten me down (yet). I fight everyday with the demons of my past and the people. I could go into the "well, I was _______and my mother was so fuckin stupid when _______, and she didnt's ___________ and the they's_______________ and I wish_________________ and my father____________" But I don't. It would be frightfully impossible for me to proceed with my life if I allowed all of the demons of my past to affect me. The betrayals intimate and familiar. Oh how I want to name these motherfuckers and I have gone through rough patches of alcoholism and self depricating behaviors , highs and lows and thinking- (oh , the torment of constantly thinking!!!). I am forgiving myself- which hasnt been easy!!! The things I've said  bother me more than the things I have done. I am the one who has to pay for the consequences of my actions to myself and my children. I find that to perpetuate someones downfalls and to keep them reliving their past - kinda like a crab in a barell. Is putting a chain in the universe around someones spiritual neck. I refuse to be a part of that movement- alcoholic and all. If my children make one positive move regardless of their past fuck ups- I will cheer and tell the world of their accomplishments and waive their short- comings. That is something that was never done for me. My son makes music- WhatEVER HE DOES I AM PROUD OF. My daughter dances, I love that about her, I am there when I can. Nobody was ever at anything I've done - But guess what i did them and Im proud of me! Part of my drinking comes frome the notion that nobody ever really saw me. I've been used and misused  for whatever people could get from me. I guess the point is the truth about you. Tell your story and see how it helps others. Put into the world your story. Not other's. It is not yours to tell. After all we could experience "Another Kind of Tommorow"

Pain is Universal-Just Throw Me Away

When it Hurts So Bad...

My soul is in pain!
How is it that you spend so much time exposing -( in my case 4 yrs) of yourself and not get any-fuckin-thing to compensate the bullshyt?! How is it that after engaging in a conversation that was denied for months ,- im
That i am brought right back to the place where we left off!? Things have moved forward as if we never existed and your completely fine???! I never happend the horrible shit you taught me in the wayside doesn't even exist nor has it ever?!??!!! That amazes me! Befuddles me! Astonishes me? How?!? ! As if time stood still just to for e me to relive it. I understand that I will never understand ... I get it , no matter only in Glory will I understand what and whom I've done the same to.

Unexpected Expectations

Last night or early this moring

Rockbottom...@ Trust.

I am always in awe of the unearned trust I place in people.
A "friend drops by" unannounced from California. Happy to see him I allow him to stay. We've always have had our ups and downs as friends; him being a angry faggot and me being a disrespectful fag-hag, but with my forgiving heart and his need to have someone in this world, we've managed to stay friends. I entrusted him to go to the check cashing place and get another money order because I was broke. He did it and gave me what I asked for. We went to sleep and he said he'd put it under my mattress. Next day, I didn't check and he said that he was going to Mac.Donald's to use the internet. Fine. I check for my "medicine" (which was under my mattress also) and where the new money order ($746.00) should have been and neither are there. I've e-mailed and called several times and no response. I don't and cannot afford to accept this as a loss because I have no way to replenish it. I am now fearful and fucked. This is why trust is not an option for me. Only in the Lord.

REALIZATIONS....

WRITING IS WHAT I'VE DONE ALL MY LIFE. IT IS THE LIFE FORCE THAT DRIVES ME. I DIDN'T REALIZE THIS UNTIL I REBELLED AGAINST MYSELF. I STOPPED WRITING FOR SOME TIME BECAUSE IT MADE ME UNCOMFORTABLE TO SEE MY REALITY, MY PAIN, FEARS AND TRUTHS. IT WASN'T UNTIL ,I STARTED DRINKING AND KEEPING MY THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS CAGED DID I UNDERSTAND THAT WRITING IS NOT A CHOICE FOR ME, IT'S MY CALLING. THE THING I CANT GET AWAY FROM.